Admit You're a Monster
by Mein Liebling
Summary: [Tokyo Ghoul!AU, blood, gore, preWolfStar] Sirius desperately tried to convince himself that he was normal, that everything was alright, but the hunger kept on growing and he wasn't able to even trick himself into believing it anymore.


The more time Sirius spent trapped in his apartment, the hungrier he was. His apartment was torn apart, his sheets on the floor where he tried to drown himself in them, his bathroom light was flickering on and off after he accidentally hit the light bulb, and his tub half full of lukewarm water while the other half was pooling around the sink and toilet. Sirius's kitchen was a mess of half eaten/half forced down food, Chinese containers spilled on the floor, and through out it all, Sirius himself was puking up his last meal that he forced himself to swallow. The man's face was overcome with disgust and hunger, and after he was done puking he wiped his mouth and sat back on his heels, trying to force himself to be calm and mostly succeeding, if not for his shaking hands. His knees were soaked in the cooling water, and Sirius was shivering madly throughout it all.

"C-Come on Sirius," he scolded himself, wrapping an arm around his stomach and hauling himself off the floor with a little difficulty, immediately swaying as he stood on his feet and he grasped the wall for support. "You've survived worse- it's nothing, you're probably just sick."

As soon as he stepped into the kitchen, he paled even more and threw a hand up to cover his mouth and nose as the stench overcame him. Swallowing heavily, Sirius shuffled into his bedroom and pulled his bedsheets off the floor and into the living room. Sirius balled himself up inside of them, breathing shallowly as to not smell the food, and turned on the television.

_'-Minister Fudge has declared a state of emergency inside London as officers attempt to catch the Ghoul who invaded the Ministry. Casualties are estimated at two hundred people, including those eaten, and all levels of the Ministry are locked as officers inspect the crime scene on the twentieth and twenty-first floor. More news on this story at seven.'_

Sirius's grip tightened on his bedsheets before he forced himself to relax, and in the lightless room except for the television's colourful ray, he could almost convince himself that everything was alright.

The phone rang. Sirius didn't bother answering it, he kept his eyes pealed on the television screen as the reporters talked about a fire happening on the other side of the city. A voice called out.

_"Sirius? Dude, are you alright? You haven't answered, you've called in sick at university, and you haven't showed up at any of your shifts. Is everything okay? Look, I know you finished the operation- and, and for some reason you've been acting a lot stranger after it, but dude I don't care. Just talk to me, mates forever, right? Call me back." _

The receiver clicked, and with it James's voice faded out. Sirius picked himself up from his spot and clicked the end button on the phone, and the static disappeared too.

Sirius ran a hand through his grimy hair and winced, looking at the television screen which had moved back to the Ghoul story. "It's not what I think it is. I'm fine. I'm a hundred percent fine. Get a hold of yourself, Black."

His stomach revolted, and he pressed a hand against it. "You aren't what you think you are. You're Sirius Black, you're _normal._ You're absolutely fine." And with that, Sirius headed into the kitchen to try and eat some food, but he knew he wouldn't be able to.

* * *

_'Ghouls are dangerous creatures, an encounter with them is nearly always fatal. They have the same appearance as humans, which makes them hard to distinguish. Ghouls are intelligent creatures that eat only human flesh and the flesh of other Ghouls, making them a carnivorous and cannibalistic species. Ghouls are stronger then humans, more resilient, and are able to regenerate themselves, making any wound given to them superficial. It is extremely difficult to kill a ghoul. __Ghouls are given a 'flee on sight' instruction, and if you think someone may be a Ghoul, alert the Ministry so they can check. It is__ hard to tell who is human and who is a Ghoul, but Ghouls cannot eat human food, as it makes them sick to their stomachs. However, they can drink coffee and possibly some other drinks as well. Thank you for watching, we'll come back to this topic at four.'_

"Damn," James shook his head as the coffee house's television finished up it's documentary on Ghouls. "Imagine only being able to drink coffee!" James exclaimed. "...And being cannibal." He added as an afterthought. "Although, really, not being able to eat hamburgers is a sin itself. Just coffee. And flesh. Which really isn't all that different then us, really. I mean, we eat cow flesh. And pig flesh. And chicken. So really, not that different. I get where they're coming from." James stroked his chin thoughtfully.

Sirius gave him a distracted eyebrow raise. "Mate, you're ranting again. Stay cool."

James snickered. "I'm _ice _cool, you're like _melted icecube on pavement _cool." James paused for a moment and watched Sirius drink his coffee, and furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. "Dude, I thought you hated black coffee?"

Sirius looked down at his drink and gave James a weak shrug. Usually he would dilute coffee with milk and sugar, but the thought of doing that made his stomach turn uneasily, even more so then usual. It still was eating itself in it's never ending hunger, but coffee had managed to make him forget about it for a while. "Wow, I didn't even notice. Hah, guess I like black now."

James shrugged. "Weird. Anyways, guess what?"

"What?"

"I finally got Lily to agree to a date with me!" James's face split into a wide grin, and his voice grew louder with every word.

"Jamie, bro, cool down, we don't want anyone to think we're weirder then we already are." Sirius scolded him, before smiling as well. "That's great! I knew she would fall for you someday. It just took a lot of persistence, stalking-"

"I've never stalked her-"

"Cyber-stalked then. But anyways, it took stalking, a lot of annoying phone calls at two AM, and a bucketful of rejects, but I'm happy for you mate. Lily's a nice girl."

"Now you sound like my mum." James told him. He grabbed his mug of tea and gulped it down quickly. "Anyways, I asked her out on Friday and she said yes- not like you would know since you've been locked up in your apartment eh? I'll bring you some hamburgers next time you go into a mood like that- and now we have a date for next Saturday. Oh my god, what if I screw up? I didn't think I'd actually get this far! I told her that I'd pick her up in front of the library, but where will we go? What will I wear? What if my hair doesn't cooperate? Sirius-"

Sirius snorted. "Same old Jamie. You'll be fine. She's seen you during finals week, she's seen you at your worst. Just chill. I'll help you plan."

"You're a life saver, mate."

Sirius could almost pretend that everything was normal as he sipped his too black coffee and helped James figure out where to go with his date, but he knew that it wouldn't last for long.

_'No leads found on the Ghoul case in the Ministry, killing upwards of two hundred people-'_

* * *

Sirius was always the kind of person to push something off longer and longer until it eventually disappeared. That didn't seem to happen with his hunger.

The longer he went without food, the more it hurt, the weaker he felt, and the more willpower it took to convince himself that everything was okay and that he just had a stomach bug. That no matter how many times he vomited up regular food, and felt sickened whenever he smelt it, that he was okay, he was normal, and he wasn't what he thought he was.

It had to do with his operation. Two weeks previous he had been on a date with a girl- a pretty one, Marlene McKinnon was her name, and she had blonde hair, brown eyes, and a killer everything _(haha)._ They went to a nice restaurant, she only drank coffee, although Sirius didn't question it, because she said she was watching her weight and who was he to talk? He walked her home- that's what he thought, at least, at first. Marlene cornered him in a dark alley, and he couldn't do anything but watch in a mixture of horror and disgust as she stopped him with her too-sharp claws.

"Come on, Sirius, stay still!" Marlene gave a bloodthirsty grin, showing off her long canines, and Sirius watched with clear panic as her brown eyes changed to black with red, veins pulsing in her face and giving her a look far more terrifying then anything he had ever seen in a horror movie.

She pinned him to the wall with inhuman strength and he let out a blood curdling scream as she bit off part of his shoulder, the bone clearly showing as she scraped it with her teeth, and his arm fell to his side painfully. Sirius sucked in his breath as he cradled his arm to ease the pull, and he struggled to push Marlene off of him, her mouth right in front of his nose and clearly showing his flesh being chewed as blood trailed down the sides of her mouth.

He continued to struggle, Sirius brought his knee up and hit her in the crotch, making her let out a startled hiss and release her tight hold, and Sirius ran away as fast as he could while holding his unhinged arm. She easily caught up to him and slammed him against the side of another building. The foundation was weak in the building, or maybe Marlene was far too strong as she dented the wall she threw him against, and Sirius watched as the bricks and steel fell away and crumbled all around him, pinning Marlene under most of it (and killing her, he hoped), and Sirius himself was pined under a large beam of steel.

There was blood running down the side of his face when he was clipped by a falling brick, and his legs were unable to move from underneath the beam, trapping him as the destruction continued to fall. Pain, lots of it, was the only thing Sirius felt, and he was knocked unconscious from a falling brick while another one broke the skin on his chest. He blacked out, and Sirius was thankful for it.

The doctors had to do an emergency operation on him to keep him living, and they used the only organs they could find, which were Marlene's.

(Sirius didn't know exactly what changed about him, but when he woke up he felt disoriented, numb, and hungry for something he would never admit. Worst of all was the fact that he kept on seeing Marlene in his dreams, cooing at him and telling him that he would accept it one way or another. Sirius couldn't fault the doctors, but sometimes he wished he was dead.)

* * *

People were out doing their holiday shopping, packs of people swarmed around the city and at least fifty persons crossed the roads at every crosswalk. Stores were open, holly and juniper were the smells in the air, and snow was lightly falling, just in time for the season. Singing, dancing, yells and shouts were heard, and overall the air was filled with such festivity that even the Grinch would have smiled and joined in.

Sirius was having a hard time breathing.

He stood in the middle of the pavement with a hoodie over his head. His eyes were wide and his breathing was shallow. Shoppers walked into him and scowled, muttering under their breaths about moving out of the way, and then walked past him.

Sirius didn't really notice.

Smells assaulted him, the smell of fresh flesh (delicious smelling, and his stomach rumbled in agreement) made his brain short circuit and he found himself wanting to move, to grab the person next to him and to bite into their necks, and it took the little part of Sirius's brain that wasn't overcome with hunger to hold himself still and to not eat anyone.

Sirius himself was feeling a little bit dizzy at that moment, but the longer he stood in the throng of shoppers the easier it was to force himself to move from the spot where he had froze. His breathing had gotten deeper and more noticeable, and with grey eyes that were darker then usual, Sirius noticed the others had given him a wide berth after the first few moments that he had stopped. It shocked him more then he would ever admit.

He entered the first coffee shop he could find, and ordered the largest and blackest coffee they had. With far too much nervous energy, he picked a table towards the back (away from the other customers, he was far more afraid of what he might do to them they what they might do to him) and drummed his fingers on the table as he waited for the server to bring over his order.

"Are you alright?" Sirius jumped at the sudden question, and looked up at his server, who was frowning down at him with a concerned look on his face. "You seem nervous."

Sirius gave him a noticeably fake laugh and tried to wave him off. "Nah, I'm fine, dude. Just stressing over- uh- school."

The server narrowed his eyes- amber, Sirius noticed, and damn he was cute (but he wouldn't trust anyone for a long while after Marlene, and that made him more cautious then flirty)- and stared at him for a few moments, before gradually nodding and he set down the black coffee for Sirius. "Good luck on school then." The server walked away.

Sirius took a big gulp of his drink and watched him walk away. His hunger faded a bit as he practically chugged down the burning drink, but it still wasn't enough.

_I'm a fucking Ghoul, and I know it, and I need to eat something._

Sirius felt disgusted at his revelation, but his stomach growled at the thought of finally getting some food.

_I can do this._

_I can do this._

_I can murder someone and eat them and then not get caught and hopefully not throw up._

_Sirius._

_Don't do this to yourself._

Sirius left a tip on the table and shoved his hands into his hoodie's pocket, grimly determined as he stepped out of the shop and back into the throng of shoppers.

_Time to go hunting._

* * *

Every attempt to corner someone had failed. Most of them left before he had a chance to strike, or the place was too public, there was always something blocking Sirius from making the initial attack. The longer he spent chasing someone around, the more desperate he became, until he was practically heaving up no existent food from a mixture of sickness and disgust.

Sirius collapsed on an empty bench on a park about five kilometers from where he originally started, and much to his luck the park was empty and deserted, filled with only bottles and trash.

Sirius buried his face in his hands and let the cold wind brush over him. "I can't do this," he whispered to himself. "I can't fucking do this. I can't kill someone and eat them, it's so wrong, I can't-"

He heard footsteps, and immediately his head snapped up.

In front of him was the cute server from the restaurant, his amber eyes sympathetic and calm. In his hands he held a bloody arm- fresh, from what Sirius smelt, and it made him salivate- and a ripped off leg.

"Here," the server dumped the body parts into Sirius's lap.

Sirius's fingers immediately closed around the arm, and his body was practically forcing him to eat it, but before he did he stared up at the server in confusion. "Why are you helping me?"

The server shrugged. "I've seen that look many times on Ghouls who hadn't been able to grab a bite. Honestly, though, your attempts were pathetic. Not to mention, you're having a break down, which only happens when a Ghoul's lived with humans long enough to catch onto their morals. I couldn't let you starve and have you attempt something like at the Ministry."

Sirius's mouth fell open, and he closed it and opened it again several times, before bowing his head. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." The server indicated with his hand to the body parts, which were rapidly losing heat. "Aren't you going to eat it while it's warm?"

Sirius couldn't stop himself. He sunk his teeth into the warm flesh and skin of the arm and pulled.

The server smiled at Sirius as he watched Sirius's eyes turn from a cold grey into an even frostier black and red. "I'm Remus. If you need any help, come find me." He walked away from Sirius and the park bench, and Sirius watched him leave yet again.

He turned his eyes back down to the arm, and with an overpowering feeling of hunger, he licked the blood off the bone.

_I've turned into a monster._

* * *

_**a tokyo ghoul au**_

_**sirius/remus prerelationship with sirius freaking out like kaneki over becoming a ghoul but unlike kaneki he got good help instead of uta although i love uta and touka**_

_**basically remus is flower man i guess but actually is useful idk**_

**_for the pirate ship battles_**

**_i don't own harry potter._**


End file.
